“Every night it comes for me. When the sun rests her eyes and the light fades from my room. The darkness claws its way into my bed. Its fingers intertwine with mine and though I desperately want to fall madly in love with the dreams my mind fabricates as I drift off to sleep, I cannot. I am wide awake. Staring darkness in the eye. It watches me. It lurks over me.
It whispers in my ear. It loves the way I cringe when it asks me to give in. I search for light, but it’s nowhere to be found. Just me and the darkness. Alone in my room. It’s the depression that I suppress all day long under the sun. It’s the clench in my fists as I pretend that I’m okay. I bury it deep everyday, but at night, it always climbs it’s way out of the grave.
It rummages through the dirt and shatters the headstone I made for it. Every time I think I’ve killed it once and for all, the dry bones grind together and crawl their way back to me. It slithers into my soul and drinks the remaining energy I have left to carry me through the week. When morning comes, I can’t get up. I cannot get out of bed because I have nothing left.
The darkness courses through my veins. My heart pumps for the heaviness of my depression. My depression. It belongs to me now. Days of struggling will eventually allow me to regain my strength. To find the knife that will stab the darkness right in its chest. To kill it. Bury it. And hope that this time maybe things will be different. Maybe this time it won’t come back. But every night it comes for me.
When the sun rests her eyes and the light fades from my room. The darkness claws its way into my bed. Its fingers intertwine with mine and though I desperately want to fall madly in love with the dreams my mind fabricates as I drift off to sleep.
I cannot. I am wide awake. Staring darkness in the eye. It watches me. It lurks over me.
I cannot escape it.“
These thoughts have plagued us all, and it’s okay to admit that you’re not okay. Find a light to focus on and when you absolutely cannot find a flicker of hope, be the light yourself, because He is inside you. He can glow through your skin and erupt through your smile to reach other people that feel exactly like you do.
When you feel the wave of depression growing closer, remember who you are. Remember how much you’ve already overcome. Build a routine for yourself. One filled with both responsibilities and things you enjoy. Set goals for yourself. Start with smaller things that allow you to feel accomplished because even these small steps matter. Some days just being able to successfully get out of bed, take a shower and get dressed is a huge accomplishment, and that’s okay, because you will overcome this thing that’s haunted you for much too long.
Practice getting exercise and eating healthier. These things may not seem that important, but your physical health and mental health are linked much more closely than you might believe. Feed yourself clean and pure fuel that your body can actually burn and digest to give you the type of energy that you need to get through the day. This can also help improve the way you view yourself and give you a bit of a self-esteem boost too!
Learn to focus on things that you’re doing right even if not much else seems to be going the way you had planned. Train your mind to neither fret over the past or worry about the future since both of these places in time are out of our reach and control. I believe you’re a warrior which means you have the strength somewhere inside of yourself to fight back on all of the negative thoughts and emotions that have run rampant in your life for too long.
You, my dear, have the power to escape it.